Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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