We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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