I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
