Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
