I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
