I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
