I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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