You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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