I just pynch a tree in the face
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
