I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
