You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize