I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
