I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
where are my eyebrows?
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