In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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