I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
