just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
