Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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