You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
