i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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