I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
