Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
