I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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