I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
