I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
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When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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