he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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