I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The power of my boobs compel you
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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