You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
