I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
