I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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