I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
ttyl tear gas
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
