In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
