I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
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I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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