Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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