i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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