I think my vagina is haunted
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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