I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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