I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
