did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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