I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
