i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
