Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
