Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
