I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
