there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
