She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
