Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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