when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
