Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
