The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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