Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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