Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
