he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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