the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
