i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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