God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
