Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
